The following is meant as a bizarro version of the real me, and not meant to be taken seriously, unlike every other post on this blog. Usually, I try to keep it real, but this time, I just feel like trying something a little different (okay, a lot). If you can't take a fucking joke, take a broomstick and try a little "rectal stimulation". You just might feel better afterwards :P.
One Bad-Ass Motherfuckin' American. That's me, asswipes. You got a fucking problem with that? You want proof, dickweed? Read on, Padawan, and let your mind (and its asshole) be opened.
Number one: I'm a free-spirit. You think I'm going to roll over while them Christian conservatives try to cut off my balls by telling me who I can and cannot fuck? Don't tell me that stupid shit about how true love waits for marriage! Fuck that shit, best way to find out if the bitch is right for you is to test drive her 'till your dick's about to fall off. Them Christian conservatives can take that castration knife (figuratively speaking) and stick it up their collective motherfucking asses. Punk-ass bitches. Goddam, they can take their motherfucking imaginary sky-daddy and fuck him up the ass too, for all I fucking care. Assholes.
Number two: fuck religion. I'm an atheist, motherfucker. I ain't running for President of nothing - I don't aim to be President of the local university much less the motherfucking President of the United States. Bitch, can't be POTUS without being Christian or some shit like that. Ain't no one going to vote for no punk-ass atheist, you stupid motherfucker. And that's the way I like it. Goddam am I proud to be an atheist. Fuck you, you think you can "save" me. Here's my finger, that really long one in the middle? Try saving that, you fucking holy-rolling piece of shit. Fuck, you stupid sheep, try thinking for yourself, you just might find out there ain't no God any more than there's a fucking Santa Claus, Easter-cock-sucking-Bunny, or Morning-fucking-Wood Fairy.
So, that brings me to point number three: Ain't no one going to own me. Fuck politics. I can't run for POTUS or lots of other things, cause I'm an atheist, you feel me? Therefore, no one going to fucking own me. I be incorruptible; nobody gonna buy my vote for nothin'. Punk-ass bitch thinks he can do that, he (or she) gonna find one of my longest fingers prospecting for "brown gold" up where the sun don't fucking shine. Then I'll feed it to him, and videotape him vomiting it up and then videotape the rest where I feed it back to him. It'll be worse than that 2 girls one cup shit that's grossing people out. Fuck, motherfucker did that video's a goddam amateur - I get a chance, I'll show people how a professional do it.
So there you have it, three reasons why I'm an O.B.A.M.A. Don't agree? Let's meet out back, where you can step it up, and me and my car can fuck your shit up.
All right, and that's enough from my bizarro self. Seriously, don't take any of the non-italicized stuff seriously, okay? I'm just messing with you. Feel free to flame to your heart's content in the comments section though; be as creative as you can, please. Make me laugh, and you'll make me proud to be an American who will defend to death your right to free speech.
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